breakups

Okay, this is a subject I’ve wanted to write about but have been avoiding for a long, long time. Breakups suck. They’re exhausting and extremely heartbreaking, and they seem to drag on forever and forever. Having been through the breakup from hell, I figured I’m finally ready to put all those feelings in writing with the hope that somebody who’s going through the same thing finds this post and feels just a little better.

One of the most painful things in the world is feeling alone. No matter who it is, people are meant to be with other people. It’s just the way we’re all wired. There is almost nothing worse then letting somebody into your life, having them by your side everyday, and then seeing them disappear. Humans adapt to their surroundings, and when you get used to seeing and talking to somebody every single day it becomes almost impossible to imagine your life without them until they’re really gone. It’s extremely easy to fall in love, but it is very very hard to come out of it. After spending so much time and energy focussed on this person in your life, they get taken from you and it’s easy to feel totally empty. The most important thing to remember is: you are not.

I can remember feeling totally numb and alone, because the person that I had spent the better part of a year with was suddenly totally gone. I lost a boyfriend as well as a best friend, and to a bad circumstance that I will never share here, but I can only describe as tragic and unfair. I really didn’t know what to do with myself for a long time. All the memories I had made and the future I had planned just vanished right front enough of me. One day though, I realized that I was not alone. I had to remind myself of how blessed I was, I had everything I ever wanted right in front of me, a loving family, a beautiful home, and a bunch of wonderful friends. It just wasn’t right to be sad over one lost thing anymore. I suddenly saw how incredibly blessed I was, and I was upset, almost angry at myself for the depression I’d been feeling. However; I think it’s important to remember that it’s okay to grieve. You can spend a few days laying in your bed, you can let yourself be sad. The difficult part is shaking that sadness when it follows you around. Certain things will always remind you of the person you lost, and it will take a long time for that sickening feeling to go away. It will take a long time to drive by the places you used to go together without feeling a little sad. It will take a long time for you to see them with their new boy/girlfriend without getting that sinking feeling.  The smallest things that you didn’t even notice before will remind you only of them. Even if you don’t love them anymore, you’ll still remember what you used to have with them. I don’t think that’s a bad thing at all. We cannot just erase years from our lives. I struggled with that, and I had to remember all the happy memories I had, all the lessons I learned, and how much better of a person I became because of my relationship. I wouldn’t trade anything for the experience that I got, so I started to realize that maybe I didn’t have to feel so sad anymore.

We have to forget our anger and resentment, but we do not have to forget our happiness. I deserved every happy moment I had in my relationship, why should I pretend none of it ever mattered? Looking back at the good times right after the breakup was bittersweet- it still is. I was angry for a while, and then I realized my selfishness just wasn’t worth it anymore. It didn’t make me feel good. Every time I caught myself wishing things were the way they used to be I would ask myself, if you were still with him, what would you be doing today? 99% of the time, it was either the exact same things I was doing, or something worse. Either I’d be going to class, working, doing homework, or seeing my friends like I normally do now, or I’d be fighting, arguing and struggling with my relationship. That really helped me to see clearly, I don’t need anybody. I feel just as happy and fulfilled and successful as I did when this person was in my life. It doesn’t mean that I regret anything, or that I didn’t learn anything. I grew immensely from all of it, whether it was good or bad. When I looked at it that way, I found it much harder to be angry. The truth is, I am much happier today than I ever was before my relationship- because of everything that I went through. I really did love this person at one point, and although I don’t anymore, I hold nothing against him- in fact, I can’t thank him enough for the experience that I had with him.

Everybody deserves to be with somebody they trust, in a love that they do not have to question. It’s hard to know how it will all turn out. Nothing is really permanent; circumstances change, and sometimes people change too. If it all falls apart, it is so important to remember- you did nothing wrong. You can only apologize for your mistakes and forgive the mistakes the other person made. If that doesn’t bring things together, you have to take it as a lesson and move on. If you don’t, you will never grow from it, and you may never get over it. There is nobody that important- that when they leave your life stops. It only means that maybe you weren’t right for each other, or maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. Whatever it is- you’ve gotta remember that this means something better is coming your way. It takes time to heal. You’re going to grieve the loss of them even though that person is still alive and well. It’s going to be a while before you start forgetting the fights and the loneliness. The thing is- you’re only going to get stronger, and you’re only going to get better at loving others. The world needs a lot more of that.

Alicia

if you are broken

and they have left you

do not question

whether you were

enough

the problem was

you were so enough

they were not able to carry it

-rupi kaur

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