loss of your life

For a long time, I watched my life fall apart. Now I stand watching the pieces fall into place. It is beautiful, but it wasn’t easy. I had to make the decision to move on.

Every day, I fought with myself. I pushed away my fear and disappointment. I refused to let the loss get the best of me, even when the weight of it was so crushing I didn’t think I would ever feel relief again. My tormentors tried to freeze me out, but I am still kind and warm. I am happier than I’ve ever been, and even when I’m reminded of them I find myself smiling. If only they could see me now. These days people tell me how cheerful I am instead of asking me what’s wrong.

I won’t lie. I’m still scared. I don’t like to be reminded of the people I left in my past. This isn’t because I don’t like them- I forgave, and I don’t require anything from them anymore. Still- it is hard to push myself to that edge. To look them in the eyes, hear the voices of those that controlled me, and still say this is not what I want. I was miserable, and I am so scared of falling back into that despair that any reminder simply makes me sick. But these people are slowly fading into bittersweet memories. Scars take time to fade.

All the people that loved me and then left me, the ones that tore me down, cut me off, and ran away. Somehow, they did not break me, even though there were long nights where all I could do was suffer quietly and wonder if it would ever stop hurting. I have rebuilt. I have healed, because I don’t need them- I never did. I hope they heal as well. I hope those people let me go so they can free themselves, because if they do not keep me as the love of their lives, I will be the loss of their lives instead.

Sometimes all we can do is move on. Each one of you reading this, I can tell you all with confidence that I will never be the same, but I wouldn’t want to be. What matters is that I am whole again, and no matter how broken you think you are, one day you will be too.

-Alicia

what’s it to me

if you love me or

miss me or need me

when you are doing

nothing to be with me

if you can’t allow me to be

the love of your life i will be

the loss of your life instead

-rupi kaur

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